The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.