Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn