I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”