Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it