My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another