Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.