“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.