My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?