I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas