[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.