.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
A drum solo but on your face.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum