As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?