Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.