“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.