Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.