Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.