Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.