My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.