I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.