How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.