Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.