Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver