this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985