I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?