Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*