Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.