Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”