If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop