If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.