Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?