Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday