My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.