Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.