I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”