Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.