Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”