The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.