Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.