I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*