Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us