Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?