I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.