It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.