Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones