I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.