Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.