I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My last name is Zilla.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna