life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.