I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.