yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
so, is there a mister shapen head
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge