What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.